Managing Behaviors or Understanding them

A few weeks ago, I wrote a blog about Polyvagal theory (click on the link if you would like to read it). Today I would like to expand on my first blog and discuss managing behaviors as opposed to understanding behaviors. Dr. Dana has written extensively on this subject in the book “Polyvagal Exercises for Safety and Connection,” and I highly recommend it as a resource.

Most of us are taught what to do about managing a child’s behaviors and nothing about the context of their behavior. What do I mean by that? We are taught what to do to control the child, but we are not taught to seek out why the behavior is occurring, this is needed to bring about real change. I know this is not what we are thinking about when our child is throwing a tantrum in the store, all we want to do is get them to stop their behavior.

Iceberg Analogy

Dr. Dana makes a wonderful analogy about an iceberg. Ten percent of it is above water but so much more is underneath (the part to worry about). Dr, Dana believes that when we only work on controlling the behavior we have missed ninety percent of where we actually need to work to change the behavior. “Instead of trying to eliminate the behavior, we should strive to understand them for the rich information they offer about how our child experiences the world.”Children do not usually act out for no reason. Their actions are outward signals of their internal world (90 percent of the iceberg). In Dr. Dana’s book the first 3 chapters explain polyvagal theory which describes the interactions of the brain and body in regard to our child’s behavior. Chapters 4-10 are solution centered when it comes to real change in behavior. Next up will be neuroception, we are all looking for safety.