Is it willful misbehavior?

Delahooke in her book Brain Body Parenting gives us an important question that we need to start with when accessing children’s misbehavior: is it willful misbehavior or behavior that signals a child’s vulnerability and need for support? She suggests that distinguishing between stressful behavior and purposeful misbehavior can open a new set of options to help us deal with challenging behaviors.

Red, Green, or Blue Platform?

Of course, when a child tests limits and misbehaves intentionally (like taking a phone to a school that does not allow it) we need to provide clear and loving boundaries. But when their behaviors come from the red or blue pathways (click on the link to read our blog describing these pathways) the platform is vulnerable and we need to help the child get back to the green pathway by connecting and not punishing. Knowing the difference will help us know when the child needs to be stabilized or when we need to hold the line.

Time Out or Check In

To help us make the distinction between these 2 types of behaviors Delahooke gives us an alternative to the old tried and true time out, she calls it the “check in”. The first step in this “check in” is to check yourself by observing what your pathway color is. We do this as a first step because a child senses safety or threat first on a non-verbal level and how we speak is initially more important than what we say. We first need to check what pathway we are on without judging where we are, we could be on any of the 3 pathways.

In the green pathway we exhibit safety and security, in this state we are best able to choose the appropriate action for our child rather than exploding or misbehaving as a parent. If we are not in the green pathway (and it is quite possible we are not) we should not move on steps 2 and 3. If we are in the red or blue pathway pause a moment, take a breath and make sure your child is safe. Ask yourself “what do I need in this moment?”

I need Help

Let’s say for instance that it has been a long day, and you are helping your child complete their homework before they go to bed. He or she begins to whine and cry and say it’s too hard. You have had an exhausting day, and fixed dinner before sitting down with your child. Your own platform may be depleted. You will need to evaluate where you are and what you need to be present with your child without responding in anger. What do you do to replenish yourself so that you can be a resource for your child? Our next blog will address what to do to help you regain control, find your way back to the green platform and interact positively with your child. Our last blog of this series will finish step 2 and 3 of the “check in”.