The Gentle Startup

By Susie Gonzalez | February 17, 2025 |

If you find yourself in an escalating argument with your other half, one of you may have begun with a harsh start-up. For example: “Why do you always drop your clothes on the floor? I must have asked you ten times to put them in the hamper!” Disagreements or complaints beginning with a harsh start-up could devolve into a negative cycle of attack/defend, and then no one is happy!

The gentle start-up is the antidote. Wisdom literature of old teaches us that love is patient and kind and does not easily get angry (1 Cor.13:4-5). If you are bothered and are ready to complain, think first about how you feel. Are you frustrated? Angry? Hurt? Anxious? Once you figure that out (it may take some time), define the issue that provoked those feelings. Then describe what you need. See if you notice the difference here:

Notice the difference

“I feel frustrated that the clothes are on the floor. I need the clothes to be dropped in the hamper.”

“No You”

Did you notice something? There is no “YOU” in the gentle start-up. When approached in a gentle manner a complaint is more likely to be heard. The “YOU” tends to make the other fell attacked and then naturally want to defend themself. And so, begins the negative attack/defend cycle.

the Gottman’s

John and Julie Gottman, creators of Gottman Couples Therapy, discovered that successful couples use the gentle, or “softened” start-up as an antidote for a harsh start-up. I think of this softened start-up as a formula: I feel…about this issue…I need…, with the caveat of taking the “YOU” out of it. Here is another example:

“I feel attacked, and kind of afraid when someone raises their voice at me. I need to deal with issues in a calm manner.”

How does that sound? Try it sometime!

Check out the Gottman website:

Susie Gonzalez, LAC