Coregulation develops self-regulation
Chapter 4 of Brain-Body Parenting by Mona Delahooke begins the section of the book exploring solutions to dealing with challenging behaviors. Delahooke believes that understanding the relationship between brain and body can help us support our children in developing emotional regulation and resilience. The chapter explains children’s behaviors that appear challenging, often reflect underlying body responses that are influenced by the brain-body connection, rather than just conscious choices or intentional actions.
Autonomic Nervous System
A core concept in this chapter is the idea of the autonomic nervous system (ANS), which controls bodily functions such as heart rate, digestion, and respiration. The ANS is divided into the sympathetic nervous system (responsible for fight, flight, or freeze responses) and the parasympathetic nervous system (which helps the body calm down and rest). The author states that a child’s behavior is often a result of these 2 systems being activated in response to perceived stress or danger, which may not always be obvious to us. This insight shifts how parents might view and interpret challenging behaviors in their children.
Delahooke introduces the idea of “neuroception,” a term developed by Dr. Stephen Porges, which refers to the brain’s automatic process of detecting safety or danger in the environment. Children are constantly assessing whether their environment is safe, and this affects their emotions and behaviors. Sometimes when a child feels threatened, their body may react with heightened stress responses, leading to behaviors like aggression, withdrawal, or tantrums.
Self-regulation
Self regulation is what enables us to respond to challenges and remain in a state of calm rather than exploding. A child who is self-regulated can wait for dinner or work on homework though they want to go outside. Self-regulation develops over the life of the child from infancy through early adulthood. Parents may wish or assume that their child is capable of handling a situation when they are not. They may even be able to handle a similar situation on a day without stress but fail miserably at other times.
Delahooke encourages parents to practice co-regulation, where they actively help children regulate their emotions and bodily responses. You may ask “What does co-regulation mean?” This involves responding with calmness, empathy, and physical soothing techniques, such as touch or deep breathing exercises, to help the child shift from a state of dysregulation to one of emotional balance (from the red to the green pathway). She stresses that this approach requires patience and understanding, as children are often unable to regulate themselves without external support, especially when they are younger or in the middle of an emotional crisis.
She states that she is not suggesting parents be permissive when they actually need limit setting. She is saying to avoid looking at behaviors as good or bad and then manage behaviors. Instead, we need to examine the behaviors to find meaning and information about the child’s needs. Parents can observe a child’s struggles and also set firm limits.
Example of coregulation
A child who starts having tantrums about attending school may need some understanding about what is going on with her platform. In one situation the parents discovered that the child was deemed a good example in her third-grade classroom so the teacher placed a boy with behavior problems at her table. This was too much stress for the child’s neuroplatform making school overly difficult. While the child needed to continue to attend school and deal with a variety of children, being responsible for another’s behavior was too intense an experience for her.
Overall, the chapter emphasizes the importance of creating an emotionally safe environment where children’s brain-body responses are recognized. Parents are encouraged to move beyond punishment or behavioral control (such as time outs) and focus on encouraging emotional understanding and regulation through nurturing and mindful interventions. Our next blog will focus on what are some examples of these interventions.
