"I'm afraid you're going to leave me." Silence for a moment, and then the other spouse answered hesitantly, "I'm afraid of the same thing." Countless couples I have counseled admit to this fear. Reactions to how this fear is handled are often what bring a couple in for marriage counseling. Angry words, assigning blame, unforgiveness and bitter, resentful silence can turn a marriage into what seems more like distant roommates.
How does this happen? Most of us do not envision on our wedding day that this is the person I will eventually divorce. As marriage begins, and sometimes even before that, we realize our partner is not perfect. They disappoint, or hurt us, which in turn feeds fears that we have learned from childhood, or are newly created within the marriage. When a couple does not know how to resolve the conflict that arises from these disappointments, barriers go up. By the time a couple walks into my office, the emotional walls are sometimes built up so high that they are barely speaking - except for surface conversation to keep the household "running." This is no better than a roommate, and in many ways worse because the hurt of what the marriage "should be" only builds over time.
In counseling, I help couples to regain that focus, to remember what their commitment is, and to work through fears that are choking out a sense of feeling safe within the marriage.
As a Christian counselor, I believe that God has a purpose for couples that have entered into marriage. My job is to help couples back onto the path that He intended for them. A popular message circulating in society is that marriage is solely about personal happiness, combined with the message that we are "exchangeable" when we get "too broken." This contributes to growing fears within marriages that leave people wondering whether they made the right choice. From the Christian perspective, God uses marriage to mold us into Christ's image, to learn to love each other like He loves us. In counseling, I help couples to regain that focus, to remember what their commitment is, and to work through fears that are choking out a sense of feeling safe within the marriage.
Safety is essential for a growing, loving marriage, and in counseling we work together to reestablish that in the relationship. Your time together in the office is devoted to helping tear down the walls that get built up over the years. A willingness to learn and change harmful thoughts and behaviors is key to restoring the marriage and building it back strong. As we work, marital counseling issues may encompass conflict resolution, finances, sexual dysfunction, affairs, possible separation and or divorce, communication skills, blended families, premarital issues and Biblical principles for these concerns. Fear in marriage can be conquered, asking for help is the first step among many to get you both back on the same path.
