For many individuals the need to perform well impacts every area of their lives. Trying to be the perfect parent, spouse, employee, friend, etc. can lead to unrealistic demands on them and on others. People who must "do it right" impede even areas of their life meant for relaxation such as hobbies and fitness activities. Perfectionism is an enemy of healthy self-esteem.
The first step in dealing with perfectionism is to be aware of the messages that you are thinking. Messages with the words ought, should, and must are inflexible statements that reflect perfectionist thinking. "I should have done this or that." "I ought to have been more patient." "She/he should do whatever." "I must get this or that done today." These are examples of communication laden with perfectionism. Statements such as these can lead to low self-esteem.
Being aware of how you talk to yourself is the first step in changing your need to be perfect. Once you have identified negative and destructive statements, the next step is to create a different message for yourself.
Other harmful statements are the judgments that we make about ourselves or others such as: "That was awful". "How stupid!" "It's sinful"….. These types of negative statements about self and others are discouraging and harmful. Criticism reflects your need for life to be perfect and results in an unhealthy self-esteem.
Being aware of how you talk to yourself is the first step in changing your need to be perfect. Once you have identified negative and destructive statements, the next step is to create a different message for yourself. Messages that are nurturing, accepting, and less critical can enhance your self-esteem. Once your self-talk improves, communication with others will be less critical too.
Here are some healthy messages for yourself and others.
- It's Ok to make a mistake.
- I can do this later today (or tomorrow)
- I do not have to do this perfectly.
- I don't have to rush.
- I can take my time.
- I can take time for myself.
- I can change my mind
- I can make my decision later.
- I can accept my behavior and apologize for unacceptable behavior.
- I can ask for help without feeling guilty.
- That was uncomfortable, unusual, etc ( instead of "awful")
- Oops! Or My Bad! (accepting your mistakes)
By reciting messages like these your self-esteem will improve and your need to be perfect will diminish.
Recommended reading: You are What You Think by David Stoop, Ph.D.
